Part of independence is the ability to think for oneself and to make informed decisions
At the time, my decision to become a stay at home mommy was not a very popular one, and in certain circles I can still feel the question of "why" lurking behind half smiles and the sudden silence that follows my admission to being a kept woman.
But the decision was mine and have become more and come comfortable with that choice as I age. I happily found myself married to a dude that left that life decision up to me. He was also kind enough to keep his grumblings at a low roar each month as he watched me write a check to pay my student loan, and now he averts his eyes from my giant Master's diploma where it hangs on our office wall, a remembrance of a life I once had and one he has paid off.
The decision was difficult and I grappled with the pros and cons up-to, through, and past my due date with my first born. A military move three months after made returning to my job out of the question, since the commute from central Alabama to the panhandle of Florida would have been a doozy. But no sooner had we settled in than the phone rang with a job offer. I said no. Boy could we have used the money. The sale on our last house fell through one week before closing, so we were carrying a mortgage, the utilities, a baby, and on one less pay check than we had four months prior. It hurt. A lot. So we tightened our belts and basically didn't have a life until our house sold a year later. We survived and have continued to do so to this day.
In the beginning, I did feel like I not only let myself down by not trying to juggle all life had given me, but that I let down all the people who had ever believed in me or supported me...like I wasn't living up to my potential and settled for being "just a mom". Then I had an epiphany and it was....So what. So what if people thought that. So what if I did let them down. So what that I have that big ole piece of paper and not doing anything remotely related to the reason I earned it. So what if others want to believe I settled. So what.
And maybe everyone isn't judging me like I think they are, that it is all in my head. And I have to admit sometimes I am not as confident with my kept woman status as I appear. Doubt still peeks in every now and then to test my resolve.
Back in the fall, we met up with four other couples for dinner and to let the kids play. While a normal suburban event, this was a first for me. Why? Because I was not only the only stay at home mom, but also the only one not in the military. What are odds of this happening! I was definitely out of my realm and was freaking out. Very quickly I realized that I had it all wrong...they didn't have an issue with me, I had the issue with me. Or connived the thought of them having an issue with me. So to recap...it was my issue that I thought they would have an issue with my non-working non-militariness-es-es.
I have the ability to think for myself and make my own truths, as deluded and self righteous as they may be at times. But I also hold fast and firm to the belief that the women's liberation movement assisted greatly in my successful life as an athletic trainer with football teams, and has also assisted me greatly in my successful decision to not work and be an independent dependent. There are a lot of women out there that want it all; I used to be one of them. I have nothing to prove but to myself, and life is too short to spend time learning how to juggle just to show others I can.
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